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Thread: Personal: A curren state of affairs.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    Default Personal: A curren state of affairs.

    Things have been rough for a while. Help, please.

    I apologize in advance for this "stream of consciousness" style of writing, please just read... When I started writing this a few hours ago I did not expect it to balloon out or become nearly as non linear as it did. I just can't quite wrap my head around everything well enough to be able to really condense it very well.

    A few years ago I was doing quite well. I was operating a few businesses that on their own weren't super profitable but between them things were way more than comfortable. I didn't have time to think and every day brought new challenges that were complex and yet strangely satisfying. I'm smart, or so I have been told... so it really gets on my nerves that I can't find a way out of this mess.

    Long story short: The businesses started collapsing mostly due to external forces. One of them was a mortgage company. Go figure right? What I didn't expect was the nonsense that came with it because of the "family".

    I put family in quotations for the specific purpose of casting doubt to the term. A couple people here know this and I tend to keep it close to the chest for obvious reasons but here goes: I was a foster kid. My parents are worthless and I have police reports to prove it. I got out of the system and actually took the mindset that being able to choose my family was a much better option than just being stuck with abusive and practically useless biological parents. I haven't spoken to my biological parents in a little over a decade and have no intention of starting now. I take pride in the fact that I got the fuck away from that disfunctional lot by whatever means necessary.

    The only thing that ever really bothered me about this is that if things got bad I wouldn't have anyone to lean on if push came to shove but I countered this by realizing early on that the only person I could ever really rely on was myself and I had to make my own safety net... so I did. It saved my ass a few times and I was able to bounce back.

    Back when the businesses were going well I was working with foster parents I knew. Things were great. We were family and I assumed that, mistakenly, that meant something. I gave it my all and continued to do so right up until the bitter end.

    The last year I was there I worked for free because money was tight and that the businesses would eventually bounce back. I decided to believe them when they said that things would get better and this was just temporary. I blew through savings paying bills and utilities and general operating costs like payroll for the businesses. Promises were made to me with no intention of ever following through with them. They just wanted what was left of my money. And I gave it willingly because I was operating on the assumption that "Family helps out family" and "One can bet on family with better than Vegas odds."

    What I did not expect is that when my money dried up so did any semblance of civility. They quit seeing what I was doing as a "family helping family out". Over a year my good will went from helping out in rough times to a favor and eventually to something they expected without so much as a thanks in the process. By then it didn't matter, I was already broke. I, to this day, feel used and can't understand how a group of people I called family could treat someone this poorly.

    Now I look back and see that they got what they wanted and after there was nothing left they decided to move on. We were fine as long as I was able to take care of the bills and utilities. I think now that I, by doing the "right" thing, further enabled them to be that morally bankrupt. Toward the end a lot of sketchy shit was going on and I, finally realizing just how badly I had been used and how nothing was ever going to get better, got the hell out of there and took the pile of debt I accrued with me. It was not a "clean" separation. It's unbelievable just how many stories I have buried in my head about this time.

    Over the next couple of years I managed to make ends meet most of the time. A couple odd contract tech jobs here and there helped to slow the gradual decline but I still felt like I was doing something and moving forward, even if it was unbearably slow.

    In this process I found out who my friends were and that 99% of the people that I called friends were only there for the good times and as soon as life got rough and I wasn't able to do what I used to: They slowly disappeared also. Nary a phone call from them in years. Couple that with the fact that I moved around way too much in foster care to ever really solidify a core group of friends and well, there you have it. I should have expected it but you know what they say: Hindsight is 20:20.

    I've been spinning my wheels eyeballing the prospects of filing bankruptcy because things have continually managed to go downhill and every time I see a break to this vicious cycle something happens to it. I joke that it's the equivalent of Schroedingers cat... I see a solution and it is then renders itself out of the equation. It's like magic, only malicious.

    I think it goes without saying but the past few years have made me even more misanthropic and less trusting than I was before, which is quite an accomplishment given I saw the worst humanity had to offer before foster care much less after.

    This whole string of events is partially responsible for the "ad massacre" I tried here and the subscription system put in place. I needed to get PL taken care of because I was no long able to financially take care of this place like I had since January 2005 when PL started. Monetizing this place is the last thing I wanted and was worried that it would screw up the ideological foundations of "community" here. Thats why I don't run ads, much less in-pocket ads. Advertisers tend to believe that their money buys them the ability to control the direction that the community goes... and let's be honest here: It typically does. Of all the other boards I have been a part of - 99% of the time decisions are made based on the financial implications instead of the communal implications.

    I was approached by $POINTER_MANUFACTURER to run ad's a while ago. I turned it down even though the money would have been appreciated because it was and is the wrong thing to do. PL works because external forces like this are not in play and I guess it comes down to how I define success instead of letting profitability define success.

    I don't like the idea of selling PL, but that's an option I have to depressingly entertain. I can no longer pretend to have the financial availability to keep this place ideologically clean. I've had a couple buy out offers in the past and I backed out after realizing what the hell would happen to PL. In one case the person was only topically interested in lasers and stated in no uncertain terms that the purchase was solely for the purpose of milking money without and regard for the community that has grown here.

    In my minds eye I saw that route as being wholly destructive on a good day and down right suicidal on a bad day. There are reasons why I hate ads... this is one of them. The idea that there would be a couple of people who don't think about the community and making things better but instead sit around and try to come up with the best location to install ads to get a better click through rate as if the users that are the community are nothing more than a variable to be calculated against.

    Fuck them and fuck that noise.

    I feel stuck... I hope that is conveyed effectively regardless of how disjointed this post is.

    The economy is shot and I have long since sold off the stocks and bullion I was holding to help make ends meet.

    I need a job but have been unable to secure anything, and I mean anything. I currently live in a tiny town south of Atlanta that has nothing other than fast food and pizza places, none of which are hiring. Seriously. There isn't even a grocery store and it goes without saying that I am not here by choice.

    My car was repossessed a few months ago so I have been sans transportation which complicates the ever-shit out of finding employment, much less gainful employment or even being able to get out and drive to clear my head like I used to. I used to book it around I-285 to figure out problems and come up with solutions.

    I am currently living in a tiny house rent free because I am taking care of my foster mother with MS in a wheelchair.

    I can't afford much of anything and I feel the already close walls closing in further.

    When things started to get bad I cut back on everything and in a cruel twist of fate it feels like this only delays the inevitable and just makes everyone else's life easier which is odd to me given that it seems like the people who treat other people like shit end up thriving.

    I was told the other day that "The only reason why you are here is because you take care of Beth, don't forget that". I was told this by the person I went to bat for to recover money they gave to the foster parents I mentioned above. I had no idea that they were being drained by the same people that were draining me. I was nauseated by this knowledge. All and all I recovered a non trivial amount of money for them even though I didn't have to and didn't expect a single red cent in return. It was the right thing to do... and in a short period of time, they could care less if I exist and what I am doing and go out of their way to remind me that I am only here to make their lives easier, period.

    I can't stand to be treated this poorly by people who can't seem to remember how much I helped them a few years ago. Such short attention spans... I always assumed that if I ever needed it the favor would be returned. I was wrong and sure can pick them poorly. Everyone, to this point, has proven that they are out to help themselves and fuck everyone else in the process. While this is not an isolated instance I just find it odd that as soon as I am incapable of helping people anymore or have gone out of my way to fix problems they have I disappear to them.

    I used to help "friends" out financially when they needed it only to get the cold shoulder when I wanted to get my money back. That was an expensive lesson but at least I learned that the adage "Want to know the best way to get someone to leave you alone? Loan them money." is so unbelievably true.

    I think that I am having to run forward as fast as possible to *only* not fall back as quickly instead of the optimal "to work towards" a beneficial goal... To be able to dream and have goals other than "don't give up."

    SELEM 2010 was the first time I really got out of the house in 2 years and I had to scrape to make it happen and sold stuff I had in my bins to cover the food and gas money to get out of there after it was over but it really felt good to get out and be reminded of what it's like to have some breathing room but that only made the ride back more suffocating when I realized what I had to come back to.

    I could go on for hours about how things used to be, good and bad, and how badly I have stumbled and I stay up at night worrying about everything but thats what my life has turned in to the past couple of years.

    I am truly going through some shit right now and I personally need help. PL is taken care of and the light bill is currently paid up till the end of the year and each month the subscription model guarantees that time extends a little more than a month so PL is sustainable as it stands even if I can't financially afford to take this show down the colo route with dedicated hardware. I do what I can to minimize the impact on the hardware and keep the site operational with the exception of the few hiccups the site has experienced recently. That being said: I am working through them and to be plain about it: Keeping this place operational has kept me sane and kept me from doing things I would regret. I really do feel like I am helping a community grow and thrive here and the good feelings that come with that, even if I do want to rip out my hair, are undeniably positive and helpful given everything else going on. Being able to chat on IRC with the people who hang out there is my equivalent of a social life.

    Honestly: You people are great and if I had to put a term on it you are like extended family minus the "shit" mentioned above. While at SELEM I heard "Hey! How are you?!" more than I have heard it here in the past two years.

    I can't guarantee that I can pay you back with anything other than sincere gratitude...

    Anything... Money, a job, resources to get out of this mess, an opportunity or a PL buyout offer... something, anything. I never expected to end up this bad off and I've done my level best to keep from getting to this point but here I am. People have told me that being able to hold on like I have for a couple years is unbelievable but honestly... What good has it done. I'm far worse off than when I started, my hair is falling out and I have a hard time sleeping at night because of it all.

    I need to unscrew my life now more than ever and it pains me to ask for your collective help.

    Please.

    The email address admin AT photonlexicon DOT com is setup with paypal and is also a valid non-filtered email address if you are so inclined to send a message over.

    I am going to lay down after I poke at the php and mysql config files in hopes of getting rid of the proverbial black hole that has caused site accessability issues recently.

    I look forward to hearing from you and will do my best to explain things in greater detail in private if you send an email my way. And finally: I am sorry that I got to the point where I feel that I have to ask for your collective help but I really don't know what else to do at this point.

    Thanks for reading. I wish this was more uplifting a positive, I really do.

  2. #2
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    Crap... In the process of writing an email to you now

    Jem
    Quote: "There is a theory which states that if ever, for any reason, anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.... Douglas Adams 1952 - 2001

  3. #3
    Join Date
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    So sorry to hear what you are going through, I was out of work for over a year and I am trying to dig my way out as well. I can't offer money, but I will see what I can do about resources for you....hang in there, I know it is tough and scary. I will keep you in my thoughts and throw anything I can your way. Good luck out there....

  4. #4
    soforene's Avatar
    soforene is offline The Troll formerly known as Herbert Von Poople-Futtocks
    Join Date
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    Thumbs up

    Not as good as a real life one but the PL equivalent ................

    Attachment 19583

    Hang in there Mucka ............

  5. #5
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    Apr 2006
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    damn dude, sucks

    I sent you an email

  6. #6
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    While unfortunately I can't offer much financial relief, what I can offer is my restored subscription to this site and what little monetary assistance that provides you along with sharing my sincere belief that things will turn up for you eventually. Throughout my life I've been a lot of places, both very good and very bad.. and even at the depths of the worst there has always been a point at which I would wake up one day and realize that some of the fog has lifted, some of the oppressive conditions removed. Gradually as you put thought, willpower and effort into making any change you can, the cycle swings toward the positive. To put it simply, you never know what tomorrow will bring.. and as you work towards a better situation, one day it will bring some sort of relief from your the current state, no matter how difficult. Sometimes (no, MANY times) you won't even realize it's happened at first, but little by little as you invest effort into change (no matter how small or insignificant that effort is) you emerge from the depths. Been there, done that several times over..

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2009
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    Cool hey life is hard

    And I want to help you out.
    I will message you in a bit.
    Last edited by Vidal Wolf; 09-16-2010 at 07:13.
    Will there be three phase!!!!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
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    Connecticut, USA
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    Spec-

    I will also send a PM. But just remember a few things....

    Shit happens in this life. I have been there, TRUST ME i have been there. I know a teeny tiny fraction of "you" and i am 100% certain that you can come out on top of all this shit. there is *ALWAYS* a solution to a problem. the solution may not always be sunshine and teddy bears, but EVERY problem has a solution!!

    Because of you, there is a REAL community here. I consider MANY of you personal friends and business associates. Lets face it, i just drove, as did many of you, 800 miles for 3 days to hang out and fry some retinas! Spec, if it werent for you, This wouldnt exist.

    Granted, this place may not put money in your pcoket, it may not help the fact that your "family" has decided to shit on you and your good graces, but this is a place that should make you VERY VERY proud!!!

    I am quite sure that you are going to be receiving many emails, PM's and responses here to this post. This should make you realize how much YOU, your services, your ideas, your expertise and your friendship means to MANY people here.

    I promise you my friend, you'll come out on top. Youre a good guy and a smart guy. These combinations will always succeed.

    As i said, im gonna PM you also, but please remember....PL is the last of your worries. This place has many members that i am sure will "step up" if need be to help you out more. I, will be one of them.

    Keep your head up!! We're all here to help, listen and offer what we can to help you through.

    -Marc
    http://www.laserist.org/images/ildalogos/ILDA-logo_colored-beams_Corporate_150w.jpg

    ILDA- U.S. Laser Regulatory Committee

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  9. #9
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    Throwin' my knives at the unethical bastages that screwed you over buddy!

  10. #10
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    Dec 2008
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    Chicago, IL
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    Exclamation Urgent Plea for Help !!!!

    I think the personal side of this problem is horrible to read but I’ll bet it was much harder to type.

    Come on guys/girls if we could just get 50% of the 3,136 users on PL to fork over a measly $10 a month the financial burden would be lifted. I know everyone is strapped for cash but that’s about the cost of one fast food lunch a month.

    Jim

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