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Thread: A Joke a day..

  1. #101
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    Sep 2007
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    Essex, England
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    792

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    Man goes to jail for some burglary and the prison officers decide to put him in a cell with the hardest guy on the block.

    One night the hard man said (big husky voice) " I wanna play a game"
    The recently convicted burglar looked shocked and said "what kind of game" to which the hard guy replied (big husky voice) "I wanna play Mummies and Daddies".
    The hard guy then said "Who do you wanna be, Mummy or Daddy?"
    The burglar thought quickly about the consequences of being the Mummy and said desperately "I want to be the Daddy"....
    The hard guy walked over to wear the bulgur was crouching and said "Suck Mummies cock!"

    -------------------------

  2. #102
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    Nov 2007
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    Coming to a theatre near you!
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    so, that's a good reason why I'm glad I'm not in prison.
    anyway, about to head off to bed, tommorrow I get to visit laserwave's plant, let's see what deals I can walk away with!

    anyway, I borrowed this one from ZUG.Com:

    When I am not working, parenting, writing, fishing, or delivering corporal punishment to my flippant liver, I can generally be found increasing my proficiency in the art of backyard grilling. One of my specialties is a Firehouse Jalapeno Mustard Sauce that tastes great when applied in liberal amounts to slowly grilled chicken. As the title implies, one of the main ingredients is the jalapeno pepper, finely diced and applied to the sauce while boiling. Recently, after preparing this rather volatile ingredient, I found myself having to answer the call of nature. After doing what I had to do, I returned to the kitchen and began working on the onions, while continuing the conversation I was having with my wife before I had excused myself.

    Before long, I started to experience a wild tingling sensation from beneath my jeans, and I began formulating a plan to immerse my kids in some kind of activity that would keep them engrossed for fifteen minutes so I could have some “alone time” with my wife. Before I could come up with anything, however, the sensation began turning rather uncomfortable. I began modifying my posture to compensate for the pain. By the time my wife began asking if I was okay, I was doubled over, standing on one leg and gripping the kitchen countertop so tightly that I was practically engraving my fingerprints into the Formica. Pathetically whimpering that I needed to take a quick shower, I excused myself and awkwardly limped to my basement bathroom.

    Retreating to the shower seemed like a natural way to rectify the situation, but I can now confidently say that this strategy is the worst thing that you can do. The water spread the pain to other areas, with decidedly gender-bending physical effects, while amplifying its excruciation by a factor of ten. I was soon on my knees, hysterically screaming at my wife to bring me a glass of milk, sounding something like Minnie Mouse with a helium habit. I was also mentally penning a suggestion that I thought could be of use to the military officers in charge of interrogation at Abu Ghraib (I know that I was ready to talk at that point).

    Like some sort of Borden bucket brigade, my wife finally arrived with a generous helping of 2% served in a tumbler that I quickly vowed never to drink from again. Without hesitation or ceremony, I plunged my afflicted appendages into the container while letting out an audible groan, not because of any immediate soothing effect, but because of the shock of plunging a part of my anatomy into a liquid chilled to a temperature that would have frostbitten a polar bear. About this time, my two-year-old son walked in. He looked confused, as would anyone who happens across your path while your teabagging a glass of milk. “Wha you do-in Dah’dee?” he innocently asked.

    In the heat of the moment, when you are on your knees in a shower stall wearing nothing but a crystal athletic supporter filled with a frigid breakfast beverage, it is hard to formulate an answer that you will be comfortable having your two-year-old scion repeating in day care. “Daddy’s dipping his ... uh ... cookies,” I responded, shooing him out of my bathroom.

    It took a while, but the pain did eventually subside. Jalapeno oil is, in my experience, the second most painful thing that can be applied to a human being’s groin area, running only behind pepper spray, which is something I know as a result of unleashing a spontaneous act of random nudity in close proximity to an ongoing student riot in Korea. While I am preaching to my readership about the pitfalls of careless vegetable handling, it probably bears mentioning that mooning Asian authority figures armed with chemical crowd control devices isn’t such a great idea either.
    "TO DO IS TO BE" - Nietzsche
    "TO BE IS TO DO" - Kant
    "DO BE DO BE DO" - Sinatra

  3. #103
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
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    SoCal / San Salvador / NY
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    4,017

    Default A Great Mystery Uncovered...

    Got this little gem today - love it!

    ------
    Why The Dot?

    For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

    Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage
    or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

    When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

    On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
    has won a convenience store, gas station, donut shop or a motel in the United States.

    If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones
    giving tech support for Dell computers.
    ---


    (PS- no offense to any Hindi-laserists with dots on their foreheads!

    - j
    ....and armed only with his trusty 21 Zorgawatt KTiOPO4...

  4. #104
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    Nov 2007
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    Southampton, UK
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    458

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    About this time, my two-year-old son walked in.
    You should have told him that you were just reloading it!

  5. #105
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    Jan 2007
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    Yorkshire, UK
    Posts
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Coffee View Post
    sounding something like Minnie Mouse with a helium habit.

    He He He, that story is So funny. Brightened up an otherwise dull day


    Jem
    Quote: "There is a theory which states that if ever, for any reason, anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.”... Douglas Adams 1952 - 2001

  6. #106
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    Jan 2007
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    4,382

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    ...on your knees in a shower stall wearing nothing but a crystal athletic supporter filled with a frigid breakfast beverage, it is hard to formulate an answer that you will be..
    HAHA-- reminds me of the time.. uhh.. nevermind..


    "There is a theory which states that if ever, for any reason, anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.”

    Douglas Adams 1952 - 2001
    How many times? X(10^50) or more..

  7. #107
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Sheepsville, Wales, UK
    Posts
    3,372

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    Things you shouldnt say in a gay bar

    fuck me the beers cheap in here.
    can I bum a fag?
    bugger me its hot in here.

    and by far my favorite (as it were)

    excuse me do you mind if I push your stool in a bit.



    Rob
    If you need to ask the question 'whats so good about a laser' - you won't understand the answer.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Laserists do it by the nanometre.

    Stanwax Laser is a Corporate Member of Ilda

    Stanwax Laser main distributor of First Contact in UK - like us on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/FirstContactPolymerCleaner
    www.photoniccleaning.co.uk

  8. #108
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    Jan 2007
    Location
    Florida
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    Dowhahahahahfuckroflcopterfuckiggggfunnydude

    OK- here's a couple--

    Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"



    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
    Last edited by steve-o; 12-11-2007 at 15:58. Reason: added 2

  9. #109
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    Jan 2007
    Location
    Florida
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    OK found another one--

    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
    Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
    Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
    Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

    Sincerely,
    Crock O. Schitt

  10. #110
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Central Florida
    Posts
    7,067

    Talking

    Well, I hope she had goggles on.

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