A Joke a day..

[dave]

So Many different ways to say keep off the grass.






hehe

[stanwax]

Here is a pic of something that amused me today - this is a certificate proudly displayed in the kitchen area of one of my clients offices - their name has been removed.
I suspect someone does not fully understand the concept.

Rob

[laserLips]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRvfZTC9lnk&NR=1

[steve-o]

That's funny
OK - It's now time for "make your own joke'''
A nerd a geek and a politician walk into a bar, the geek orders a soda, the nerd orders a beer and the politician orders a...

[Jem]

That's funny
OK - It's now time for "make your own joke'''
A nerd a geek and a politician walk into a bar, the geek orders a soda, the nerd orders a beer and the politician orders a...

Hmmm... Judging by the alleged antics of some of our UK politicians I would say a...

'Slow comfortable screw' from the young lad serving behind the bar

Jem


P.S.... Just for those who don't know, a 'slow comfortable screw' is a cocktail

[Insanity]

Given the current climate here in sunny UK I would say the politician orders a national drinking ban

Mark

[loopee]

Not a joke but a great story

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing g her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I 'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS _DESTRUCTION!@$$!%_

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON -OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock.
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[Jem]

ROFLMAO That is Sooooo funny!!!

Sadly your signature wiped the smile off my face all too quickly - ouch

Jem

[buffo]

Just got this one from my wife:

Learning to Cuss

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what? ' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about
time we started cussing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for
breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you
say something with 'ass'.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old
what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll
have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of the chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out as his mother is in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear at every step. Mom locks him in his room and
shouts, 'You can just stay there until I let you out!'

She comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks, in a stern
voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios.'

Priceless!

Adam

[steve-o]

ROFLLL!!!!!! Adam!!