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Thread: A Joke a day..

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
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    Sheepsville, Wales, UK
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    This aint a joke but hopefully it gives you as much of a laugh as it gave me.
    About a year ago we were getting, annoying unsolicited calls from a telecoms company on a pretty much daily basis - so I decided, with my sick sense of humor to have some fun.

    This is a rough idea of the conversation.

    Rob (picking up phone) - Hello
    caller - Can I speak to the person who pays the phone bill?
    Rob - No I'm afraid not.
    caller - When will they be back?
    Rob - They wont be back.
    caller - Why not?
    Rob - Because I have murdered them and chopped them up and eaten them.
    caller - I'm sorry...
    Rob - I'm sorry too but there's nothing I can do about it now.

    Silence

    more silence

    Phone hangs up.

    Rob pisses himself laughing!

    I was expecting a vist from the local police but they never showed, and funnily enough the telecoms firm never called back.


    Rob
    If you need to ask the question 'whats so good about a laser' - you won't understand the answer.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Laserists do it by the nanometre.

    Stanwax Laser is a Corporate Member of Ilda

    Stanwax Laser main distributor of First Contact in UK - like us on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/FirstContactPolymerCleaner
    www.photoniccleaning.co.uk

  2. #12
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    Jan 2007
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    Florida
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    Hahahahahahahaha RALFOUTFUCKINGLOUD Dude Hahaha ..Thats a great one.. haha i think i just pissed myself reading that one ohhhh

  3. #13
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    Why did the blonde have square boobs?


    She forgot to take the kleenex out of the box.

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
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    denver,co
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    Ok I will play too. First my favorite, an oldie but a goodie (Redd Fox).

    Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
    A: A pick pocket snatches watches. A peeping Tom watches snatches.

    Q. What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
    A: A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

    Q: What do you call two skunks doing a 69?
    A: Odor eaters!

    Q: What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common?
    A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

    Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
    A: It's not hard.

    Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
    A: The blonde-she's eighteen.

    Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
    A: Because they go and answer the door.

    Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
    A: Because it might lead to dancing.

    Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
    A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy.

    Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
    A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.

    Q: What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
    A: Slow

    Q: What's the difference between Pee Wee Herman and OJ?
    A: It only took twelve jerks to get OJ off.

    Q: What do you call it when a women talks dirty to a man?
    A: $3.99 a minute

    Q: What is the definition of nothing?
    A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures his nose.


    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.


  5. #15
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Yorkshire, UK
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    O.K., here's one...

    A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
    mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my
    apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
    Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they
    are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
    Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

    Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

    Cheers

    Jem

  6. #16
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    Native Floridian
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    Good stuff, I just have to share a funny as well. A telemarketer called my brother the other day:

    Phone:ring

    bro:hello?

    telemarketer:Yes, I'd like to speak with the decision-maker of the house please...

    bro:She's not here right now.

    telemarketer:<silence>



    -A blonde, brunette and redhead are all lined up to be executed, the red head is first. The firing squad lines up, ready, aim... The red head points behind them and shouts "earthquake!" The firing squad looks behind them while the red head runs away. So they line up the brunette, ready, aim... The brunette points behind them and shouts "Tornado!" they look behind them while the brunette gets away. Flustered, the firing squad lines up the blonde, ready, aim... The blonde points behind them and shouts "Fire!"


    David
    Last edited by DZ; 09-11-2007 at 16:20.

  7. #17
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    Jun 2007
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    northern maine.
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    ouch!

    i hear auto manufacturers are considering moving the brights switch back to a floor button because so many blondes are getting their legs caught in the steering wheel.

  8. #18
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    20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point
    a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
    with that.

    4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
    over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

    7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

    8. Don't use any punctuation.

    9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

    11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

    12. Sing along at the opera.

    13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
    all day at work.

    14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
    party because you're not in the mood.

    16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
    Bottom.

    17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

    18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
    yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

    19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going
    to have to let one of you go."

    20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . . e-mail
    this to someone to make them smile. Its called therapy.

  9. #19
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    Jan 2007
    Location
    Florida
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    Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette and a redhead were
    > > > all talking about their daughters.
    > > >
    > > > The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughter's
    > > > things and I found cigarettes; I can't believe my daughter
    > > > smokes."
    > > >
    > > > The redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughter's
    > > > things and I found a bottle of liquor; I can't believe my daughter
    > > > drinks."
    > > >
    > > > The Blonde said "I was looking through my daughter's things
    > > > and I found a pack of condoms; I can't believe my daughter
    > > > has a penis.

  10. #20
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    Jun 2007
    Location
    northern maine.
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    Q.why was helen keller such a bad driver?



    A.she was a woman.


    and one for the women-

    Q.what do you call that useless flap of skin attached to a penis?



    A.a man.

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