A Joke a day..

[Insanity]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to crap all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'


The agent nervously replies,

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'He just found a bomb !'

Mark

[stanwax]

No offence to our paleskined ginger haired brethern (not being one to stereotype you know )

Rob

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' so he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' Says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3
hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What's his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

[Insanity]

You missed one Rob....

How do you confuse an Irish builder?

Show him a pile of shovels and ask him to take his pick

==================================================

Guy opens his front door one night and there is a snail on the doorstep.
So he picks the snail up and chucks it up the garden.
About a year later the same guy opens his front door and sees a snail on the doorstep.
As he bends down to pick it up the snail looks at him and says "You Bastard"....

So, it's goodnight from me and goodnight from him

Mark

[danielbriggs]

Well... while we're on that topic:

Paddy and Mick are at the morgue to identify their friend Seamus' body, who was burnt in a fire. Paddy looks first, turns the body over, looks at his arse and says "Na, not him". Mick is next up, does the same thing, also sayin "Definitely not him". They were asked "Why could the be so sure?" to which Paddy replies "...cause every time we were all out, people would say: Here comes Seamus with the two arseholes!"

Dan

Edit:
And another:
An Irish family have been found frozen to death outside the Dublin Odeon Cinema. They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see "Closed for the Winter".

[heroic]

First time I went I thought holy cow thats loud - and that was the run up & burn out. Then when the green light went on I thought someone was pouring acid in my ears - The burnout noise was nothing at all. Plus the noise gets you in the chest - I thought Mike Tyson had snook up on me and give me a few punches in the chest.
Me and my pal turned and looked in utter disbelief at each other and burst out laughing. Like I said we thought we were prepared. And every time ive been back that first run you watch just blows you away - every single time.
I'm sure the only louder sound can be a Saturn 5 on launch.

Rob

In the sphere of ridiculously overengineered and impractical modes of transport, I once stood at the end of the runway when Concorde was taking off. The experience stuck with me- I wish the things were still flying, I'd give almost anything to do that again.

The plane is at the other end of the runway, almost impossibly distant. It is tiny, a little white dart. The engines are turning and you think they sound loud but they're not. The pilot checks the nose mechanism, you see it lift and then dip again. Then the engines spool up to full power, and now it's loud. And then, there's this yellow flash in the distance. The afterburners are cut in for a second. And then it gets louder. The thing starts moving towards you, you can see it getting closer. It's going faster, and faster, and faster. Suddenly it's almost there. Then it gets louder. Now it's on top of you. When is it going to lift off? Now you can't hear it any more, you can only feel it, bellowing and screaming and this unearthly whine. And now it's only a few hundred feet away, charging straight towards you, when suddenly the nose comes up, rotation, and holy crap it's overhead and then, and then the smell hits you, a blast of hot air and avgas, and it's so close you can almost touch it. You can see the delicate S-curve in three dimensions of the wing, you can see every planar joint, you can see that the surfaces line up just so, and now it's passing you and the noise from the business end of those four Olympus engines hits you for real. You can't even feel it any more, it's like the entire universe is vibrating, and the blast almost knocks you off your feet even though the thing is hundreds of metres away from you...

...and now it's getting quieter, and suddenly, it's gone, just a speck in the sky.

In three hours it'll be in New York, and you'll be here, in the pub, telling your friends what you saw today.

I miss that plane.

[stanwax]

Concorde was such a magnificent beast for so many reasons. Even after many years it could stop a whole crowd to a dead hush as it passed overhead. I miss that aircraft too. So SO beautiful and yet not crafted for asthetics Concorde should still be flying. I wish they had let Branson get his hands on them. Everytime I leave or land at Manchster airport I see Concorde G-BOAC (though now its in a hangar built around her) and I always fell so sad, she looks poised to leap into the sky where she belonged - what a bloody crime.

In years gone by Concorde was an occasional visitor to Liverpool airport on specials, and a friend of mine went to the little road at the end of the runway to video a takeoff. This was 25 years ago when nobody had video cameras. The footage shows it taxi towards him turn before him then wait for the go signal. When the afterburners light up the view shoots skywards and you see my friends outstretched arm grab onto the fence in front of him - he was litterally being blown away by this beast and he was not in direct line with the runway.

Truly awesome. Sadly missing.

Rob

[andy_con]

a man walks into Adsa and slaps his circumcised nob on the meat counter and says....







bet you cant roll that back!

[T0mmm]

My neighbour ran over someones cat.

She said she would replace it.


Turns out shes not too good at catching mice though.

[danielbriggs]

A many says to his wife, "what would you do if I told you i'd won the lottery?"
His wife replies "well i'd take half and leave you."
"Good" the man says. "I had 3 numbers come up, here's your fiver, now Fuck off!"

[colouredmirrorball]

This is hilarious. Some parts are in Dutch, others in German, but fortunately language is not the importantest part here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUTCA5nzjik