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Thread: A Joke a day..

  1. #41
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    I got it on the way home -driving on the way home from work- helicopters/ crashes - hehe . I'll google that name tomm..
    < OK I got the picture now ; sick joke ; i like it
    Last edited by steve-o; 09-20-2007 at 03:46.

  2. #42
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    Ok-aircraft humour it is, then

    A college degree is required to fly a commercial airliner, but only a
    high school Diploma is required to fix one . . . Reassurance for those who
    fly routinely in their jobs.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet
    which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct
    the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
    gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground
    crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
    submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded
    by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

    By the way, Qantas is the only major accident-free airline.



    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.


    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on backorder.


    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
    descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.


    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.


    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.


    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.


    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.


    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    THINGS SAID IN COURT
    >
    >These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
    >things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
    >published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
    >these exchanges were actually taking place.
    >
    >Q: Are you sexually active?
    >
    >A: No, I just lie there.
    >_______________________________
    >Q: What is your date of birth
    >
    >A: July 15.
    >
    >Q: What year?
    >
    >A: Every year.
    >_____________________________________
    >Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    >
    >A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    >
    >A: Yes.
    >
    >Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    >
    >A: I forget.
    >
    >Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
    >forgotten?
    >
    >_____________________________________
    >Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    >
    >A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    >
    >Q: How long has he lived with you?
    >
    >A: Forty-five years.
    >
    >_____________________________________
    >Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
    >that
    >morning?
    >
    >A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    >
    >Q: And why did that upset you?
    >
    >A: My name is Susan.
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
    >occult?
    >
    >A: We both do.
    >
    >Q: Voodoo?
    >
    >A: We do.
    >
    >Q: You do?
    >
    >A: Yes, voodoo.
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
    >doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    >
    >A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    >
    >___________________________________
    >Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    >
    >_____________________________________
    >Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    >
    >A: Yes.
    >
    >Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: She had three children, right?
    >
    >A: Yes.
    >
    >Q: How many were boys?
    >
    >A: None.
    >
    >Q: Were there any girls?
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    >
    >A: By death.
    >
    >Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: Can you describe the individual?
    >
    >A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    >
    >Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
    >which I sent to your attorney?
    >
    >A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    >
    >A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    >
    >A: Oral.
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    >
    >A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    >
    >Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    >
    >A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    >autopsy.
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    >
    >______________________________________
    >Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    >
    >A: No.
    >
    >Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    >
    >A: No.
    >
    >Q: Did you check for breathing?
    >
    >A: No.
    >
    >Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
    >the
    >autopsy?
    >
    >A: No.
    >
    >Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    >
    >A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    >
    >Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    >
    >A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
    >somewhere.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by The_Doctor View Post
    That intercom and blowjob joke is awesome.
    I'd go for the sister.

  4. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by QUAZAR View Post
    I'd go for the sister.
    She certainly sounded like she was up for it.

    This though, is my current fave from here:

    Quote Originally Posted by steve-o View Post
    >Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    >
    >A: No.
    >
    >Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    >
    >A: No.
    >
    >Q: Did you check for breathing?
    >
    >A: No.
    >
    >Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
    >the
    >autopsy?
    >
    >A: No.
    >
    >Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    >
    >A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    >
    >Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    >
    >A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
    >somewhere.
    For things like that, I wish I really WAS a doctor.

    And these are cool:
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

  5. #45
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    Default Got one

    Scraggy guy in a high-class neighborhood comes wandering down the sidewalk, and, at one point, sees a yard with these amazing rose bushes up along the walk.

    He had had a few or dozen too many to drink, and had to relieve himself - so he walked just inside the yard, towards the back, and, hidden from view from the road, proceeds to urinate on the bushes.

    From out of the back of the house, the door swings wide open, and a young-appearing, well-rounded woman appears, completely nude except for what appears to be some strategically placed lingerie, which accented far more than it covered - and she rushes up to the man.

    Startled, the man is frozen in place, as she comes to a halt before him, falls to her knees, and, looking up at him in apparent adoration, exclaims, "You have the most beautiful form I have ever SEEN! May I - may I please just touch one..."

    Startled, he more or less grunts a positive response, as she proceeds, with her left hand, to gently cradle his left testicle.

    "Oooooooooo....they're so soft...may I...??"

    As he started to find himself getting aroused, he more or less groaned a positive response, as she took both hands, one to each testicle...

    "NOW!", she says, and, bringing her hands together repeatedly,
    *{{[CLAP]}}*
    "DON'T YOU EVER *{{[CLAP]}}*GO PISSING*{{[CLAP]}}* ON MY*{{[CLAP]}}* FINE ROSEBUSHES *{{[CLAP]}}*AGAIN!"
    Responses always welcome...whether intelligent replies or smart answers

  6. #46
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    OUCH!
    ---------------
    Maxy--Where ya been? Ya hadnt posted on PL in like forever!!
    Glad to hear from you again!

  7. #47
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    Joke o' the day-
    Things you wish your computer had..
    Attached Files Attached Files

  8. #48
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    O.K., as it's mainly the masculine gender that seem to frequent this forum, i'm going to live a little dangerously

    What's worse than a male
    chauvinistic pig? A women who won't do what she's told. ...

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    To all women,
    On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:
    ∑ The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
    ∑ Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
    ∑ When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
    ∑ When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
    ∑ If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
    ∑ If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
    ∑ If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
    ∑ I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
    ∑ Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
    ∑ Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
    ∑ If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
    ∑ I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
    ∑ Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
    Thank you for your understanding,
    From all men.


    Courses Women Should be REQUIRED to take
    ∑ Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
    ∑ The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
    ∑ Parties: Going Without New Outfits
    ∑ Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
    ∑ Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
    ∑ Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
    ∑ Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
    ∑ Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
    ∑ Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
    ∑ Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
    ∑ Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
    ∑ Introduction to Parking
    ∑ Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
    ∑ Water Retention: Fact or Fat
    ∑ Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
    ∑ Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
    ∑ Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
    ∑ Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
    ∑ PMS: Your Problem... Not His
    ∑ Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
    ∑ Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
    ∑ Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
    ∑ Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
    ∑ Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
    ∑ TV Remotes: For Men Only


    One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
    "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
    "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
    "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
    "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
    "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
    "What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
    "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
    "Sounds great."
    "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
    "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
    "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
    Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"


    A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
    The farmer said, "That's once."
    A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
    The farmer said, "That's twice."
    After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
    His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
    The farmer said, "That's once."

  9. #49
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    Here's a few double entendres - with a british bias


    IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 DONíT READ THESE. (Thatís the responsible parent in me)

    Here's a few double entendres I came across (fnnar fnnar)

    A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre so he gave her one.

    Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

    One of my favourites was the time snooker player Fred Davies - in his sixties - had
    a difficult shot, tried putting his leg on the table but couldn't manage it
    so used his left hand to take the shot. The commentator said "Well, Fred's
    getting on in years now and can't get his leg over any more so he just
    settles for the other hand."

    Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for
    warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're
    rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

    Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up
    shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he
    prefers to do it by himself."

    Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on
    Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

    Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
    "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

    Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
    "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

    'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
    "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

    Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us
    about your amazing third leg."

    Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring
    Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

    Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like
    a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

    James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel
    like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

    Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

    The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word,"
    he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

    Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he
    said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different
    positions."

    Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd
    eat beaver if you could get it."

    A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
    turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised
    me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
    because they were laughing so hard!

    US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
    that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my
    god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

    Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
    field."

    Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The
    wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

    Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode
    her mother."

    New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes
    inside of him."

    Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
    her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

    John Virgo and Clive Everton appear sidetracked during snooker: "It's
    not hard enough Clive, it's not going to go in"

    Peter Alliss sizes up Colin Montgomerie: "He's a big man, but with no
    more than an average length shaft"


    and of course Murrayisms from F1's long time commentator Murray Walker

    "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round
    numbers."

    "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
    identical."

    "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race,
    only exactly the opposite."

    "With half the race gone, there's half the race still to go!"

    "And now the boot is on the other Schumacher! "

    "The young Ralf Schumacher has been upstaged by teenager Jenson Button, who
    is 20. "

  10. #50
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    Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting
    through a dustbin.

    Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

    BUMP........


    BUMP........


    BUMP........

    Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through
    the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning
    into his road.


    BUMP........

    BUMP......

    BUMP........

    He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the
    box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its
    shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

    Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down
    and started walking briskly home.

    BUMP........

    BUMP........

    BUMP........

    He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

    BUMP........BUMP......

    BUMP........BUMP.....

    BUMP........BUMP......

    The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to
    jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

    BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

    BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

    BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

    He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .

    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..Ö

    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

    Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the
    coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled
    out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he
    dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his
    front room, and lumped into his comfy chair.

    Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its
    way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the
    lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty
    hinges as it continued its chase.....

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
    legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked
    the door........

    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...


    The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing
    and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash,
    the bathroom door flew off its hinges....

    The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


    In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached towards the bathroom cabinet......

    He grabbed a bar of soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came .

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    He grabbed his can of deodorant and threw it .

    Still it came......

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it. Still it
    came......

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    He grabbed some cough mixture and threw it........

    The coffin stopped.

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