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Thread: A Joke a day..

  1. #51
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
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    Yorkshire, UK
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    And you think YOU'RE having a bad day
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails bogstandard.jpg  


  2. #52
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Riverside, CA
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    66

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    THE DUCK HUNTER AND THE FARMER

    One day a duck hunter from the city shot a duck that was flying over the far shore of the pond where the hunter had stationed himself. To get to where he believed the duck fell, the hunter walked around the shore of the pond and through some woods. Once through the woods he found himself in a clearing that appeared to be a farmyard. The duck had fallen to earth about ten feet
    in front of the farmhouse porch.

    As the hunter bent to pick up the duck, he heard a voice say, "Better leave that duck there, Mister. It's mine." He looked up and saw the farmer standing on the porch.

    "But I shot it. It belongs to me." he argued.

    "Naw. Fell in my yard. Anything there belongs to me." Stated the farmer in a slow drawl.

    They argued back and forth for a considerable time until the farmer finally said, "This talk ain't gettin no wheres. Let's settle this the old fashioned country way with a balls kickin contest."

    "A WHAT?"

    "BALLS KICKIN CONTEST. TAKE TURNS KICKIN EACH OTHER IN THE BALLS.
    Who ever gives up loses the duck."

    Now the duck hunter from the city figured himself to be just as tough as any "red neck" farmer, so he agreed to the contest and was only a little dismayed when the farmer claimed the right to the first kick on the basis of being the originator of the idea.

    The two men faced each other in the farmyard. The duck hunter clinched his teeth and braced himself to receive the farmer's first kick. The farmer's heavy work boot swung back and then arced forward with great force and velocity. The kick found its mark. Dead Center. The duck hunter doubled up, lurched forward two steps and fell to his knees. His face contorted by pain and his mouth gasping in a silent scream, the duck hunter rolled onto his side and began rotating in the dust. After two minutes, the groans came, then he managed a series of high-pitched yelps. And finally, he writhed on the ground with the dust caked to the tears on his face, his hands buried in his crotch. He sobbed and cursed for twenty minutes in very satisfactory suffering that hurt in a most excruciating manner.

    When his agony subsided enough, he painfully got to his feet and confronted the farmer with a snarl. "Now it's my turn, you bastard." He hissed as his eyes blazed with hatred and rage.

    A faint, almost benign, smile curled the farmer's mouth as he replied..."Naw. You can have the duck."

  3. #53
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Norway, Fauske
    Posts
    1,206

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    hahaha..had to post this!!
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails owned56.jpg  


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  4. #54
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    Jan 2007
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    Yorkshire, UK
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    O.K. Here's one...
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Priceles[10].jpg  


  5. #55
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Florida
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    Ohhh- that last one eewww..

    Ok - I just got this spam yesterday from a 'Gloria Wise' in my email and had to post it>

    Compliments Az
    Virgins always whooped at me and even youths did in the urban comfort station!
    Well, now I whoop at them, because I took MEGADIK
    for 6 months and now my penis is immensely longer than federal.
    I wonder how long a federal penis is? I thought the feds had sizes about like the rest of us..
    Last edited by steve-o; 09-22-2007 at 08:55.

  6. #56
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    4,382

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    Thats weird- when I pasted it its got a secret message in it or something
    Compliments Az
    Virgins always whooped at me and even youths did in the urban comfort station!
    Well, now I whoop at them, because I took M xel E tzg G iw A cmj D mer I mez K
    for 6 months and now my p kpx en bn is is immensely lo yq ng pm er than federal.
    Gloria Wise

    <link removed>
    Last edited by steve-o; 09-22-2007 at 08:52.

  7. #57
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    Jan 2007
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    Florida
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    Just found this.. I wonder if they come in 532nm?
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails doggles.jpeg  


  8. #58
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Florida
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    159

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    Yeh...been hiding for quite a bit, but figured to g'head,throw in my $0.02 for this part

    Great to be back
    Responses always welcome...whether intelligent replies or smart answers

  9. #59
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    159

    Red face Whereas...

    Quote Originally Posted by Jem View Post
    O.K., as it's mainly the masculine gender that seem to frequent this forum, i'm going to live a little dangerously
    Whereas I may well be the few, if not only female here...
    * * *
    Man and his bride are newly wed, and the man says to the bride, "Well, darlin', there's 'bout to be a few changes, seeing as how you now have my name...

    "I'll plan to be going out when I want to go out - no cellphone calling, no hassling - just be ready for me, whether I am there or not."

    "I'll have my house clean for when people are likely to come over; I may have poker night maybe twice a week, and I'll expect food a'plenty and no interruptions...

    "I'll have my fishin' weekends every now and then, and I'll be leavin' my cell phone at home. Any questions?"

    The newly married wife replied:

    "I'll tell you what: I'll tell you of the changes I plan to make.

    "Six-thirty, the chain lock is on the front door. No exceptions.

    "Seven O'clock, food is ready.

    "Eight O'clock, I am naked, clearing the last of the dishes from the table, no interruptions...

    "Nine O'clock, I am having sex in the bedroom with the door open...figure it out, Cowboy."

    * * *


    Had to do it...had to do it...had to do it...had to do it...
    Responses always welcome...whether intelligent replies or smart answers

  10. #60
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    4,382

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    ___________________

    Ok here's mine for today:

    To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand
    what tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.
    This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a
    telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in
    Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review
    (supposedly!):

    Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
    Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
    RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
    G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
    RS: "Ow July den?"
    G: "What??"
    RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
    G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
    RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
    G: "Crisp will be fine."
    RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
    G: "What?"
    RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
    G: "I don't think so."
    RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
    G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
    toes' means."
    RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
    bodder?"
    G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
    English muffin will be fine."
    RS: "We bodder?"
    G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
    RS: "Wad?"
    G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
    RS: "Copy?"
    G: "Excuse me?"
    RS: "Copy...tee...meel?"
    G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
    RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
    sigh and copy....rye??"
    G: "Whatever you say."
    RS: "Tenjewberymuds."
    G : "You're very welcome."

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