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Thread: A Joke a day..

  1. #71
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    Hehe
    ____
    LOL
    ____

    Ok heres one:

    "A Retired Husband"

    Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

    Wal-Mart Complaint Department
    MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton
    Complaints - 14 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

    1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    2. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

    3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

    4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    5. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

    7. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

    9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

    10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    11. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

    12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

    13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!!!"

  2. #72
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    have you heard about the new genetically engineered dog breed. Its fur has a look of velcro. Its not a very nice looking animal but you cant help but become attached to it.

    I heard this on the radio on Friday.

    Rob
    If you need to ask the question 'whats so good about a laser' - you won't understand the answer.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Laserists do it by the nanometre.

    Stanwax Laser is a Corporate Member of Ilda

    Stanwax Laser main distributor of First Contact in UK - like us on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/FirstContactPolymerCleaner
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  3. #73
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    Thought you might think this is funny. -----Original Message-----
    Sent: Wednesday, October 17, 2007 3:29 PM
    To: Subject: chili e-mail
    you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your
    cheeks then there's no hope for you.

    NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.


    They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
    It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.


    The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast:


    "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
    original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
    standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
    truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
    Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
    I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild

    Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove
    dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
    out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
    the look on my face.


    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
    I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
    the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to look
    HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks.


    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
    and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
    Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
    need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
    peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
    # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
    oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
    in my stomach.


    Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
    but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell
    over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
    to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
    Last edited by steve-o; 10-20-2007 at 06:36.

  4. #74
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    As there has been a lull in the comedy here and as I got sent a gem by email today I thought I would share this with you all.

    www.stanwax.plus.com/laser/tommabe.wmv

    enjoy

    Rob
    If you need to ask the question 'whats so good about a laser' - you won't understand the answer.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Laserists do it by the nanometre.

    Stanwax Laser is a Corporate Member of Ilda

    Stanwax Laser main distributor of First Contact in UK - like us on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/FirstContactPolymerCleaner
    www.photoniccleaning.co.uk

  5. #75
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    Smile

    Gotta love the Bob and Tom show...

    Adam

  6. #76
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    Thanx Rob,
    A good laugh cures a bad day

  7. #77
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    OK I found one--

    A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds".
    The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

  8. #78
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    And one for the ladies...


    Subject: Spanish computer




    A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike



    English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.







    "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."



    "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."







    A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"







    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two



    groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether



    "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was



    asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.







    The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the



    feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:



    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;



    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers



    is incomprehensible to everyone else;



    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for



    possible later retrieval; and



    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself



    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.







    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be



    Masculine ("el computador"), because:



    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;



    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;



    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they



    ARE the problem; and



    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a



    little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



    The women won.





  9. #79
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  10. #80
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