A Joke a day..

[Galvonaut]

This is really funny! I might have to set it as my ring tone!

[dnar]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you
don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the
duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What
are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the
duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from
his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich,
bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to
him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck
that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer,
eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business
card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying
really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman..

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....

" What the hell would they want with a plasterer???.

[TechJunkie]

3 business men decide to drive instead of taking a plane to a business meeting.

The car breaks down in the middle of nowhere after dark.

They try their cell phones to call for help, but there is no local service.

They see a light on in a farm house on a hill, and start towards it.

They get to the old house, knock on the door, and the farmer answers the door.

One of the men asks to use the phone to call for help. The farmer tells them they have no phone,
but he will drive them to a service station in the morning, and the men agree to stay the night.

The farmer shows the men where to sleep, and warns them if they go near his daughter he will shoot their balls off.

After the men are a sleep the farmer tells his daughter to slip razor blades in her vagina so he'd know if anyone was fooling around. The daughter reluctantly agrees.

The next morning the farmer runs in the men's room with his shotgun.

He yells "I know one of you slept with my daughter, there is blood on the floor!" He tells the first man to drop his pants.

The first man drops his pants and the farmer sees blood on his underwear. BAM!!! The farmer quickly shoots his balls off.

He yells at the second man to drop his pants. The man says "NO, NO, please, I didnt do anything!"

The farmer rips his pants off, and once again a big blood stain. The farmer shoots his balls off.

The farmer looks at the third man, and the man quietly drops his pants and there is no blood.

The farmer says to the man, "Boy, I'm proud of you."

The man says, "Muph..dank fou".

[dnar]

Fifteen chars.

[TechJunkie]

Doctor is sitting with his patient.

Doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you that you have terminal cancer and Alzheimers.

The patient says "Thank god, I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer"

[absolom7691]

I need this for my car!

[dnar]

[dnar]

I hate it when you're sitting on the bus and the local weirdo gets on and sits next to you.

You know the type. The ones that watch you masturbate.

[TechJunkie]

A Priest, Rabbi, and Lawyer are talking while on the Titanic, when suddenly it hits the iceberg and starts to go down.

The Rabbi yells "Save the children!"

The Lawyer yells "F*CK the children!"

The Priest says "Do you think there is time?"

[Pockels]

Nice!