A Joke a day..

[Zoof]

this one is kind of neat too.

[soforene]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago, My wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

[Insanity]

Couple of years ago I found a snail on my doorstep, so I chuked it up the garden.
Yesterday I went out the front door and found a snail on the step again.
As I bent down to pick it up, it looked me in the eye and said "You Bastard"

Three men walked into a bar, fourth one ducked...

It's goodnight from me and goodnight from him.....

[soforene]

A man is driving down a Welsh country road. He spots a sign on the verge "Next left - Eggs, Veg, Paracetamol".

Intrigued, the chap turns in to the farmyard and approaches the owner.

"Excuse me; on your sign it mentions eggs and veg. Now I can understand those, but what's with the paracetamol?"
In a broad Welsh accent, the owner replies "Well, I'm a farmer, see"

[Jem]

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where the bathroom
is. The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and
wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and
everybody at the
bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk
is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the
screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No
wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!"

[Jem]

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.
As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I couldn't help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."
"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."




A woman walking past a shop sees an advert in the window.
"Good home wanted for clitoris licking frog."
She goes inside and says to the guy behind the counter, "I've come about the clitoris licking frog."
"Oui madame," the assistant says.




1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by
taking a thousand aspirin. 2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.




A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."




A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


Cheers

Jem

[stanwax]

this aint a joke but im sure you, like me will be amazed by the dickheads in this image. Powering a grill in a pool using an extension kept afloat by flip flops!!! Image supplied by Kevski

Rob

[soforene]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the Fuck off the car!"

[steve-o]

Them's some good ones Thank Y'all- I just laffed my ass off after a lousy day at work and feeling much better now I'll try to dig some more up this weekend out of the archives and post 'em..
..sitting on the mop bucket.. i waz rolling on the floor with that one Jem...LOL-ROFLCOPTERS....
--Oh, and the geniuses in the pool with the floating power strip.. Darwin Award candidates for sure...

[soforene]

>>>>How do you titillate an Ocelot?<<<<<
> > > > >>>> > > > > >< < < < < < < <
>>>>>>>You oscillate it's titalot <<<<<<<


>>>>>>What noise annoys an Oyster?<<<<<
> > > > > > > > > > > >< < < < < < < < < <
>>>>A noisy noise annoys an oyster<<<<<<<