*** Jokes ***

[soforene]

This guy telephones his office and says, “Sorry, I can’t come into work today, I’m sick.”
“How sick are you?” asks his boss.
“Well,” he replies, “I’m in bed with my sister and her dog.”

[soforene]

A man and a woman have just finished making love when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

'Oh God!' she screams. 'Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there !'

'Let's go" says her mate, "I'll rush you straight to hospital!'

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
'What seems to be the problem?' he asks.

'I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman. 'Get it out!'

'I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.'

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

'Just an inch or two should do it,' he says.
After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way.

Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

'HOLD IT!' says the boyfriend, 'What are you doing?'

'Change of plans!,' shouts the doctor...
'I've decided to drown the little bastard!'

[soforene]

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.
The host of the party says to the man "This is a fancy dress party. What have you come as?".
"A snail" replied the man.
The host then asks "Whose that on your back?".
"Oh thats Michelle "replied the man

[soforene]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives.
One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"
The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating."
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"
The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, "So??? What happened?"
The other guy says, "She bit my kn0b, $hit on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

[soforene]

An Irish priest is driving down to London and gets stopped for speeding on the M1.
The Policeman smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The Policeman says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[soforene]

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a Catholic Priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity . . . one of the girls must be dying.

[soforene]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died!"
Just then,! Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."

[soforene]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father . . . "
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'

[soforene]

A man travelling home late from work falls asleep on the train and ends up in the terminus.
There's a taxi outside but the driver refuses to take him because he hasn't enough money for the fare and the driver won't let him pay the balance on getting home.
The poor man ends up sleeping rough.
A few days later,having plotted his revenge,he stays on the terminus and sees four taxis waiting,the last one in the line being the driver who refused him last time.
He goes up to the other 3 taxis in turn,asks how much the fare is, says he can't pay but offers to give them a blow job.
Each driver in turn tells him to fcuk off!

He then goes up to the fourth taxi,asks how much the fare is and gets in.
As they pass the other 3 waiting taxis he looks out the back window,smiles and gives them the thumbs up!

[soforene]

God is a woman....
It is the begining of time, God looks down on the Earth and sees darkness.
God declares "Let there be light" and there was light.....
God then says "Oh, can I see it in the black again"