A Joke a day..

[Insanity]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
... Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

[dnar]

August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Karratha, Western Australia!! Now this is a town that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.


September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.


September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.


October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.


October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f**king blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.


October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?


November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid f**king place.



November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to f**king throttle him. f**king heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f**king wet, and I smell like baked cat!!


November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f**king arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f**king arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.


November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a f**king recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f**king sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f**king place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the f**king pool. Even the palms can't live in this f**king heat.


November 14th:
Welcome to Australia!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the stupid f**ker. F**king Karratha! What kind of a sick demented f**king idiot would want to live here?


December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f**king kidding

*************

Reality check, checkout the forecast for this week here in Perth...

[smokeAndMirrors]

Andy Murray walks into a bar. It's deserted, and there's an inch of dust on the floor. In the corner, an old hag wearing a jester costume cackles and challenges him to a to a tennis match. He loses in straight sets because of the magic spells she casts. But we all know that he'll never beat No-vac Joker Witch.

[dnar]

So true .............

[laserLips]

Why did Lucy fall off the swing?

because she didn't have any arms.

[slicklasers]

Having a laugh - Oregon State Troopers, Good, Better, Best

GOOD: A Bend ,Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a buck...et full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST :A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

[LaNeK779]

yet another AI bot gone rogue?

[dnar]

Three men are hired to clean up a building site. An Irish guy, an English guy and a little Chinese guy.

The boss assigns the Irish guy to moving a pile of rubble. The English guy is assigned the task of sweeping the paths down. The little Chinese guy is put in charge of the supplies.

A few hours later the boss checks on their progress.

The pile of rubble is still there. "Why haven't you moved the pile of rubble?" says the Boss to the Irish guy. "It's that damn Chinese guy you put in charge of supplies, he still hasn't provided me with a shovel!" says the Irish guy.

The paths are still covered in dust and rubbish. "Why haven't you swept all this rubbish off the paths?" says the Boss to the English guy. "It's that damn Chinese guy you put in charge of supplies, he still hasn't provided me with a broom!" says the English guy.

The Boss thinks "Were is that little Chinese guy?" as he wonders off looking for him. As he passes the Site Office the little Chines guy jumps out around the corner screaming "SUPLISE !!!!".

[helium]

A blind man goes to see a prostitute. On feeling her pimply face, he recoils in horror! Feeling hurt the prostitute say's to him, "It's only a bit of acne". The blind man replies, "thank fuck for that, I thought it was the price list!"

[StarryEyed]

A wheelchair user,a korean boy ,a fat GDR-Woman and a pimplyfaced gay are going into a bar.
The Barman says:
"You are a quite freaky gang.Who are you?"
The Group answered:
"We are the German Government."